Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb  

>Take One<

I keep my house messy so that if someone tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die first.

>Take Two<

Peculiar Prose:

The fire we started in that cornfield was terrible for more reasons than just its failure to produce popcorn.

The wheel of love had left its tread marks in his chest once too often, like a knobby mud tire on a monster truck.

The thunder rumbled, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The moon looked like a toenail clipping submerged in a puddle of saliva on a black Formica countertop.

The plan was simple, like his brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

His vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

>Take Three<

A person with one clock is certain about time.

A person with two clocks isn’t.

A person with a broken clock is certain twice a day.

>Take Four<


Polarize: What penguins see with.

Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government official.

Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Syntax: Money in the collection plate.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

Will: A dead giveaway.

>Take Five<

“Dad, can you do my homework for me?”

“No, I’m sorry, but it just wouldn’t be right.”

“Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway.”

>Take Six<

Contrary Proverbs:

Birds of a feather flock together. Opposites attract.

Clothes make the man. Never judge a book by its cover.

Faith will move mountains. Doubt is the beginning of wisdom.

Two heads are better than one. Too many cooks spoil the broth.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Actions speak louder than words.

>Take Seven<

“I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce,” wrote an admiring fan.