I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended in 2016. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.
“If it weren’t for New Year’s, I’d have no regrets,” sighs William Thomas.
“I will not chase the stick unless I actually see it leave his hand,” thinks the dog.
“Every new year is the direct descendant of a long line of proven criminals,” opines Ogden Nash.
“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account,” quips Oscar Wilde
“I resolve to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this doesn’t encourage them to take up more of my time,” says I.
“Make your New Year’s resolutions today. Next week, you can begin paving hell with them as usual,” drawls Mark Twain.
The Senator of Kentucky explained his attitude toward whiskey.
“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.
“But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.
“This is my position, and I will not compromise.”
My New Year’s Resolutions:
Start being superstitious.
Stop watching movie remakes.
I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
Stop bringing lunch from home. I should eat out more.
Increase my TV viewing. I’ve been missing some really good stuff.
I will no longer waste my time reliving the past. Instead I will worry about the future.
Gone with the Tide.
“Frankly, Scallop, I don’t give a clam.”
The patient says, “Doctor, I think I’m a bell.”
The doctor says, “Take these pills three times a day. If that doesn’t work, give me a ring.”
The nurse says, “Doctor, there’s a man here who thinks he’s invisible.”
The doctor says, “Tell him I can’t see him.”
“Be Yourself” is about the worst possible advice you can give to some people.