Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb  

>Take One<

Heck is where you go when you don’t believe in Gosh.

>Take Two<

Which one is not a Lily Tomlin quote?

“Remember, we’re all in this alone.”

“The road to success is always under construction.”

“The problem with winning the rat race is that you’re still a rat.”

“Horse sense is the thing that a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.”

“There’s so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.”

“Why is it that when we talk to God, we’re said to be praying; but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?”

>Take Three<

A guy broke into my home last week. He didn’t steal the TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick bastard.

>Take Four<

Pun for your Life:

A backward poet writes inverse.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is a form of floor play.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

A spouse needs a lover to break the monogamy.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

>Take Five<

My house runs on static electricity.

If I want to make toast, I have to rub balloons on my head.

If I want to run the blender, I have to pull off my sweater real quick.

>Take Six<

Words to Live By:

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

If at first you don’t succeed, then destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

Sex is like snow. You never know how many inches you’ll get. Or how long it is going to last.

>Take Seven<

One morning my girlfriend asked me if I slept well, and I replied, “No, I made a few mistakes.”