Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb  

>Take One<

The early bird catches the worm. The early worm gets eaten. And the second mouse gets the cheese.

>Take Two<

Grammar Fascism:

To compare and contrast is redundant.

Between you and I, the correct phrase is between you and me.

The sound of a babbling brook is continuous whereas the chimes of Big Ben are continual.

>Take Three<

The Vermonter had a visit from his Texas friend.

The Texan asked, “How big a spread you got here?”

The Vermonter replied, “Oh, I’ve a pretty big place. Over 300 acre.”

The Texan blustered, “Why that’s pitiful, just pitiful. Back on my ranch, I can get in my truck and drive all day and not get to the end of my spread.”

The Vermonter retorted, “Ay-yep. I had a truck like that once, but I got rid of it.”

>Take Four<

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

>Take Five<

Quizzical Quotes:

“A true friend stabs you in the front,” maintains Oscar Wilde.

“Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off,” advises Phyllis Diller.

“Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it,” remarks Russell Baker.

“Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities,” vows Frank Lloyd Wright.

“If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?” inquires Harry Shearer.

“A society of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable,” opines H. L. Mencken.

“It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations,” states Sir Winston Churchill.

>Take Six<

There was a knock on the door. I answered it. On the doormat, there was a snail.

I picked up the snail and tossed it into the neighbor’s yard.

Three weeks later, there was another knock on the door.

I opened the door. It was the snail again.

The snail said, “What the hell?”

>Take Seven<

The Vermonter went to visit his friend in Texas and that night they attended a town meeting.

The Texan asked the crowd, “Can I see a show of hands of all the Republicans in the room?”

And every hand went up except the Vermonter’s.

Then the Texan asked, “Can I see a show of hands of any stray Democrats who might’ve wandered in?”

And, of course, only the Vermonter raised his hand.

“Tell me, Sir,” the Texan asked his friend. “How is it that you came to be a Democrat?”

“Well,” the Vermonter replied. “My father was a Democrat and his father before him was a Democrat.”

The Texan boomed, “Why that’s a pitiful poor reason for being a Democrat. What if your father had been a horse thief?”

The Vermonter replied, “Well then, I suppose, I’d be a Republican.”